So True: "This is what I don't get about Twitter: I don't want everyone to know what I think about everything. A good percentage of my thoughts are irrational, stupid, sophomoric, uninformed, sexist, narcissistic, pornographic and a bunch of other things. I prefer to keep most of my thoughts confined to a tight circle of friends who are like-minded or nonjudgmental...Why now is everyone on Twitter and Facebook sharing intimate, private feelings with strangers?"

Zen House #16

Money can't buy you happiness or love, but what it can buy you is the time to pursue what you love and makes you happy.

Zen House #15

Anyone can do something great. The truly talented can do it again.

Zen House #14

God is not in the business of giving hand outs. What he does gives us all are tools. Some people look at those tools, all shiny and new and mesmerizing and think that's the gift.

Others put hammer to nail and use those tools for their intended purposes building and molding themselves until they've created the gift that God intended for them to receive.

Zen House #13

The only time "fast & easy" is a good thing is when the doctor says it.

Zen House #12

It's easier to become a man than to be one.

Zen House #11

To have the body of an athlete. You gotta be an athlete.

Zen House #10

Some people take what they're given. Other take what they want. And some people are given what they want. But to be truly accomplished you gotta want to give yourself what cannot be taken.

Zen House #9

It's better that the whole world think your a bad person, then to actually be a bad person.

Zen House #8

Don't complain. Plan.

Zen House #7

Some dogs like to chase the rabbit, others like to be the rabbit. What's important is that they are all in the race.

Zen House #6

It's nice when people apologize because their career is on the line. It's even better when people apologize because their soul is on the line.

Zen House #5

Do better.

Zen House #4

It is a great tragedy when a competitor does not know his competition.

It's a Conspiracy!

By Beaze

Relax it's the good kind. God (or the universe or whatever you call it) will conspire for you when you want it bad enough. The B to Z plan for becoming your own Action Hero just started last week and already the signs are hitting me harder than Mel Gibson. Since then this article stumbled onto my MSN homepage and I found a guide to changing your own oil in my new Men's Health magazine.

The path has been laid.

So here's a progress report:

Zen (Meditation) - this is by far my favorite part. Easy. I don't think people understand what a de-stressor (is that a word? It is now) it is to just sit down and think for 5 minutes a night. Most of the time they say you should clear your mind when meditating, but I feel it's better to focus. Focus on your goals. Visualize yourself achieving them. Dream.

Now that comes from my wife. Actually it comes from the Secret, a movie I could spend another article talking about how it changed my life and furthermore the odd and inevitable way it came into my life. But the point is, if you think about your journey and don't get excited about it, stop doing it. It will never work out.

Elasticity (Stretching) - I realize now that this was a WAY bigger deal than I thought. Probably the #1 reason I failed the fitness test this week. I am stiff as f--- for a 27 year old. Like Hillary Clinton stiff.

Work-out (Police Fitness Qualification) - So I tailored my workouts this week to training for this police test and my suspicions were confirmed. I have been exercising all wrong for the past 5 years. But I think I know what happened.

See, I moved from Philadelphia to California five years ago. And when you come to California, your number one concern is looking good. Everybody wants a beach body. Even the homeless people have beach bodies. I am not joking either.

So what happens is you get into that mentality. That "as long as I have a six pack who cares if I'm really in shape" mentality. I got into that mentality...and truth be told, I never got the six pack.

But I have made my strides nonetheless. First, I passed the bench press portion of the test. I actually lifted over 100% of my body-weight. I did a one rep max of 175 lbs and I only weight 165 lbs. Form was in check, didn't bounce the chest off my... (I actually typed this. Most people say stuff like this, I typed it), I mean the weight off my chest, and I got full extension going up. Am I Hercules? No. But am I Steve Urkel. Hell no.

But the best news is that I ran the 1.5 miles at 12 minutes 30 seconds! I f---in' did it! Granted I did it on my gym track where there are people to chase, but I still did it. Which confirms that I'm not a totally loser.

Now it's personal. I'm gonna take one more week to train and then the track is grass and I'm comin' for that ass!

Zen House #3

The difference between being stubborn and determined is often the results.

Zen House #2

If you want to have fun at work this week, tell your boss you're requesting off on Friday (9/11) and be very vague on what you're doing.

Zen House #1

Is there any greater example of karma then when the box of trash bags is thrown into the trash?

The W of Becoming an Action Hero

WORK OUT:
Mission #1 - Pass a Police Fitness Qualification test

By Beaze

7:35 am - This morning all I can smell is victory. With no training I'm going to see where I stand as far as a standard Police fitness test. Yea it's Labor Day. All that means is that it's the perfect day to go put in work son!

It should be no sweat at all frankly...well I live in CA so there is going to be a little sweat. But, I mean, I work out 3 times a week regularly even though I pretty much work a 12 hour day and come home to tired-and-in-need-of-a-well-deserved-break wife, a 9 year old step-son dying to beat me up in video games, a 5 month old teething son and a dog that needs walking so he doesn't color all over our carpet. So, no disrespect to police officers (Some of my closest friends are cops*wink*), but I'm pretty confident I can pass this test flying blind.

Online I found a pretty standard police test to judge myself on.

300 meter run: 59 seconds (though is high school we'd hardly call that time a sprint)
Push-ups: 29 in a minute (the time limits a little intimidating, but I know I can do 30)
Sit-ups: 41 in a minute (I think I use to get 38 in gym class, but I was on honey buns back then)
1.5 mile run: 13:05

Now the run is the tricky part. At the gym I grunt out a 7 minute mile on a treadmill which would leave me 6 minutes to run the other half, no problem. It's put up or shut up time!

10:47 am - My. Body. Hurts.

But lets start from the beginning. So I go to my neighborhood high school track and have to practically climb the fence to get in before I find a gate. Why are these places locked down anyway? Never in the history of mankind have I heard of someone stealing a field. Try to explain why that's in your trunk. You'd have a better chance explaining a body.

I start things off easy. Just a warm up lap. Man...I felt the burn from the f---in' warm up lap! I'm not winded or anything stupid like that, but all I can say is a real lap around the track is equal to 5 minutes on a treadmill, stationary bike, elliptical, whatever...easy.

I hit a warm up 300 meters time of 1:26 and the entire lap at 1:51. I'm feeling good. I know I can do that five more times and finish under 12 minutes for the 1.5 mile run and I know I could actually run and hit the 300 meters in less than a minute. This is already a cake walk.

You should see the grin on my face as I stretch. It's like an imaginary crown is on my head. KING FITNESS! I didn't feel like spending $5 on a stop watch, so I just use my cell phone. No it's not an iphone. See, other phones do have uses too. I just think of it like carrying the baton. BANG! The gun goes off...well really there is no gun. Just in my head. But I'm off anyway.

Immediately I realize this is not high school anymore. I haven't done this in 10 years. What the hell was I thinking? Around the first turn I'm already sucking wind so hard I should charge it. But it's the home stretch. My brain keeps saying "Go! Go! Go!" but legs are giving him the finger. So after what seems like an hour I cross the finish and hit the stop watch.

Unfortunately, hitting the stop watch turned it on.

It didn't turn on the first time. I did all that for NOTHING! Instantly I just dropped to my knees and put my head down. Are you f---in' kidding me? Lesson learned: When timing yourself, you should probably make sure the clock starts before you go.

I'm not doing that s--- again right now. F--- it. On to the push-up portion of the test. Online it says that I should wait 15 minutes before moving on. I wait 5. The sun is starting to peak out at 8 something in the morning and I damn sure don't want to be out here in the blazing valley heat.

This time I start the clock and wait for the 10 second mark to begin. Fast learner ain't I? Now I should warn you that push-ups are a regular part of my routine, which probably aiding in my cockiness as I crushed the time by completing 30 push-ups in 35 seconds. Take that police test! However, my cockiness also made me rest on my knees before realizing I should be doing more. In real life that means test over, so test is over.

I still burnt out 5 more for good measure before I started to lose form and time ran out.

So at this point I'm technically 1 for 1 and feeling oh-so good about myself. So good in fact I say, "bring on the 300!" like I'm a Persian King. Sparta's going down! I use to run the 400 meters in 52, seconds. This race is cut 100 meters and padded with 7 more seconds. Game over.

Clocks ready. I'm ready. 10 second and I'm off! Right out the gate I can feel that this is going to be way harder the second time around. The dirt feels like quicksand under my feet, but the only thing actually sinking was my bravado. Just like that, I'm around to the home stretch. This is where I turn it on to finish strong. Turn it on. Turn it on. TURN IT ON!

Sorry captain, we appear to be having engine trouble.

This must be a joke. The stop watch/cell phone reads a humiliating 1:12. I have to look around just to make sure no grandmothers were on the track. I also seriously question my Men's Health subscription at this point. What the hell kinda work outs have I been doing? I'm not gonna lie, a part of me wondered if I'd even post this.

But wait!

I forgot! The 10 second delay! My real time was 1:02...which is actually much worse. 3 second. I failed by 3 seconds. 3 measly seconds. If I was humiliated before, I am pissed off now. Look, in track - especially a sprint - 3 seconds is a lot. But I know I could've ran 3 seconds faster. Another one of the disadvantages to doing this by yourself. And of course that made me wonder what my first time was, when I got off to a better start. Why. That's all I can ask. Why?

Again I take 5 minutes to recover. And I do get better physically, but not mentally. I figure a great spot for the sit-ups is a nearby bleacher step so I can lock my feet underneath them. Now I just have to get 41 in a minute. I do like 80 crunches at a time no sweat at the gym. 200 a workout. However crunches are different then sits ups, and at the gym I'm more worried about form than time.

It's go time! I'm breezing through so fast that I slow down to do them right. Oh, I did the 41 sits ups in perfect form. All the way down, all the way up. The problem is to took me 1:04 minutes. And yes, that's after the 10 second delay. 4 seconds. I failed by 4 seconds. Apparently I didn't learn anything from the sprint after all.

So now I'm 1 for 3. And I still have the 1.5 mile run to go. And let me tell you...right now that is the last thing I want to do. My body is already locking up faster than an athlete at a strip club. I figure at this point it's a good idea to take the full 15 minute rest for more stretching.

It's about 9:15am and the sun is already out and bakin' the s--- outta me. I just don't care right now. I'm gonna sweat this out. Right about now my stomach starts to churn. I'm going to throw up. I have NEVER thrown up during a race or practice. I mean never. I have just never run that hard. Today is going to be that day. My goal is to make myself throw up. That's how hard I need to work.

At the starting line I realize that the stretches didn't take. What the hell is wrong with me? I lift weights 3 days a week. What the f---? Anyway, six laps. Ride or die.

Lap one takes a lousy 2:23. Already I'm 40 seconds off my pace. A smart person would pick up the pace. But then again, I'm pretty sure when your brain loses oxygen like mine has, your not a smart person anymore.

Lap two: 4:57

S---.

Still jogging. Lap three: 7:21

If nothing else I'm consistent though. Long story short I finish at 15:07, a full 2 minutes off my mark.

So to wrap it up, I went 1 for 4 today, but I'm not totally defeated. I mean like I said, I was flying blind. No training, no expectations, just go out and do it. Yes it's unbelievably humbling, but I can't say I didn't deserve it (if you understand double negatives). I take my hats off to all the police officers and athletes and anyone else who can pass this test even though they are 5-10 years older than I am. However, at the end of the day I know that I can do this test with a little help.

But just for the record, lets see just how many police tests I failed.

the SANTA MONICA POLICE: 282 is a passing grade.

Pulls-up: 8 (16 points) - This is from a month ago after a vigorous workout.
Sit ups: 41 (41 points) - Though to be far they don't have a time limit, and I could've kept on going.
Push-ups: 35 (35 points) - Again, I counted the ones afterwards because they have no time limit...and I still think I could've done more.
1.5 mile run: 15:07 (33 points) - no comment.

Total: 125...not even half the requirements. Granted if this were my test I'd have done things a lot differently, but it's a fail none-the-less. No excuses. The INGLEWOOD POLICE TEST is the same. Double fail.

The NEW JERSEY POLICE TEST: You cannot receive a 0 is any category.

Push ups: 35 (6 out of 7) - two minute time limit.
Sit ups: 41 (6 out of 7) - I'm rocking this test.
1.5 mile run: 15:07 (14:27 or more is a 0) - big fat fail.
75 yard sprint: I didn't do that, but a 19.5 passes. Could I really have slowed down that much?

Okay, is there any test out there that I would've passed?

ARKANSAS (I really don't understand why it's not pronounced R-Can-us):

Push-ups: 17
Sit ups: 24
Vertical jump: 14 inches - What the f---? Why do they test this? They looking for ringers on the community basketball team?
300 meter run: 78 seconds
They don't even test the 1.5 mile run, but if they did I'm sure you'd just half to finish before the cows came home.

UTAH (to be fair this is for men and women of all ages)

run a mile and a half in 16 minutes
achieve 30 sit-ups
achieve 15 push-ups in two minutes

So there.

Next Sunday I will try to pass my test again. And since I talked to my Philadelphia Police Officer homie, I'm adding in a bench press just for good measure. I'm gonna lift 92% of my body-weight. Everything else is almost the same.

I'm gonna pass this damn thing. Just watch me.

Everything from B to Z You Need to Become Your Own Action Hero: A Guide to Surviving on all Terrains and Situations

By Beaze

Let me start off by stating that I am no expert. I ain't a cop, a solider, CIA or FBI. And encase your not sure, I'm not a superhero, vigilante, nor a Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson. I'm not even an actor or stuntman who's been on the sets with action heroes. And for the record, I'm not a psycho either.

Who I am is just a 27 year old man who is fed up with pansy ass people. But enough about me, let's talk about this program. It's very simple. The objective is to become independent of many of societies unnecessary conveniences. To be self-reliant. To literally be your own hero in times of peril. All it takes is the time to learn a few skills that most people are too lazy to do themselves and even some skills that could save your life or someone you love. As well as some that are just f---in' cool.

This idea came to me soon after my son was born. I started seeing the world a little different like most new fathers do. More importantly, I started seeing the people around me differently. I started thinking about what true "intelligence" is. What a true "education" is. I mean yea, maybe you got better grades then me, went to a better school then me, maybe you know about stocks and bonds, taxes, credit scores and can handle your money better then I can. But what does that all really mean if you're not even smart enough to feed yourself?

Now I ain't one of those apocalyptic conspiracy nuts that is preparing for the world to end and survivors have to fend for themselves, like Will Smith in I Am Legend, but really, what good is your triple digit IQ if you are driving through a desert road to Vegas with a flat tire and no cell service? What if you crunch numbers like a machine but don't know the most fundamental God given skill of taking care of a baby? So what if you know wall street like the back of your hand...you couldn't boil an egg with an instruction manual. The point is, intelligence is relative.

Wouldn't it be freeing to not depend on other people to wipe your ass? To not be helpless in a crisis? If your child or wife was choking, could you administer CPR? If you were out somewhere and someone got a nasty cut, do you even know how to use that first aid kit sitting in the trunk? If your wife was kidnapped, would you have to rely on the cops to save her? If you got mugged by 10 thugs in the night, could you take 'em out? If you retook a plane from hijackers, the pilot was down and the flight attendant asked, "does anyone here know how to land a plane?" could you respond?

If you follow this plan, you will.

Boxing - More like kickboxing. Why half-ass it.

Cooking - And I'm talking from scratch, not the freezer. It still amazes me how many people who would starve without takeout.

Dancing - This is one of those freedoms understood by women and underestimated by men.

Elasticity - Hey, I needed an E. And it's kind of sad that I'm 27 and can't touch my toes.

First-aid - Not everyone can preform a tracheotomy on themselves, but you should know how to patch up a flesh wound without passing out.

Guns - Sun Tzu said, know your enemy and know yourself. In other words, you ain't gotta like 'em, but some do, so you better know how to use one.

Hunting - With the rising cost of groceries, this may come in handy sooner than you think.

Ignition (fire control) - No lighters. No matches. So easy a caveman could do it.

Justice System - You can make any choice you want, but you should also know what consequences could be.

Kenjustu - This means "the art of the sword." They say the sword possessed the samurai's soul. I say, not every house has a gun, but most have a knife or two.

Language - Not just for travelers anymore. At some point, another language is going to walk right into your home.

Motorcycle - You just never know when it's going to be the only transportation available.

Ninjitsu - This is the smorgasbord of self-defense. Part jujitsu, part Akido, part karate.

Oil Changing - I'm just tired of spending $30 and 2 hours of my day to have someone else do it.

Plumbing - No need to go tearing into dry wall, but a leak is hardly worth picking up the phone.

Quilting - Before you slam me, it's really sewing, but the S was full. I am married, so maybe I don't need to know this one...j/k. but seriously, rips and tears that don't add character to clothing and hinder the function of them should be repaired. Get beyond trying to impress anyone with "next year's fashion" jeans.

Rock climbing/Repelling - Frankly you just never know when you're gonna have to climb up or down a mountain to save yourself or someone else.

Stick Shift - What happens if you have to drive someones car and it's not an automatic? what if you have to drive a drunk friend home? It's more important then you think.

Tire Changing - Again. AAA is great, but it can't always be there and it won't always be there within the hour. Why wait?

Underwater survival - Most people have a fear of drowning or dangerous aquatic life. Fear has no place in the heart. For fear to be evicted, the landlord experience must find the new tenant understanding.

V-Speed - just a fancy way of saying piloting. We fear flying because we cannot fly. It's about control.

Work out - Physical fitness. I love it when people have tons of money and tons of things, but their bodies are s---. How long do they think they'll be around to enjoy these things?

X (poison) control - X = death. Cut me some slack, it's X for crying out loud. With all the chemicals we keep in our homes, wouldn't you like to know what happens if you interact with them and how to treat accidents?

Yachting - No I don't suggest buying a yacht. But on any boat, wouldn't you like to know how to take over in an emergency? It's just another form of driving.

Zen - People can control your possessions, your money, your body, but that can never...ever...control your spirit. Know yourself and you will be invincible.

I'm starting with WORK OUT.

The objective: To pass the physical fitness test of an elite soldier. This is going to be so much fun.